My First Story

    Share
    avatar
    H.Pillar
    Level: Chibi
    Level: Chibi

    Name : Claire
    Age : 34
    Gender : Female
    Posts : 92
    Joined : 2008-07-18

    My First Story

    Post by H.Pillar on Wed Jul 23, 2008 12:00 pm

    hello this is my new story that i just started writing and this is the first bit that im posting allready to get ppl's ideas on it. It hasnt realy gone into the main storyline that much yet tho so bear with me on that because i have thought of a main story line but i am still working on what im doing with it an stuff but i have lots of other ideas for it that im still writing down so keep an eye out for new parts if you like it. this story will is medieval/mythical style and with have mythical creatures and magic and enchanted stuff but it is more a story of a mans life not just all action. thank you for reading.

    NEW EDIT woo i finally thought of a name (i would love feedback on it)



    Chapter one:

    The meadow was sleepy this morn, as creatures rose from their sleep as the newly risen sun lit up the morning sky, a light drizzle fell to the ground. A tabby cat tip toed silently through the long grass almost unseen, carrying what looked like a mouse or vole rather proudly if you ask me, she jumped the step stones over a river then through some hedgerows which lead her onto a quiet cobbled street she walked past a few small cottages and over a wall into a small yard with a vegetable patch. “Hello Nyx,” said a rather cheerful young man “It's my birthday today Nyx”. The cat dropped its 'present' at the young man’s feet “why thank you, is that for me. Well, you shouldn't have.” he said to the cat rather jokingly the cat now known as Nyx walked past the young man making sure to rub past his leg on her way and walked through the door of a rather shabby looking cottage in comparison to the others and straight in front of the fire ware she sat and started licking her paws.

    An elderly man entered the room.
    “Morning Nyx, where were you last night, it’s not like you to stay out all night old girl.” he said fondly to the cat, the man wore a rather fancy looking green tunic and a holy cross round his neck, he bent down in front of the fire and started putting coal and wood onto it. Hearing all the noise the young man hurried into the room.
    “No father, stop I'll do that don't worry.”
    “Don't be daft boy it’s your birthday today, or have you forgotten”
    “No I haven't forgotten but that doesn't mean I'm going to sit back and watch you hurt yourself.” The young man said rather seriously.
    “Well Averey, I'm not that old,” he chuckled tapping Averey's shoulder playfully. “so what are you doing for your birthday then Averey, are you not going to ask me what I got you for your birthday” Averey looks round at the old man and smiles and jumps over to the table ware the old man is now sat and sits in the chair opposite him
    “So, Father, what did you get me for my birthday then?” Averey said enthusiastically. The old man stood up and walked over to a sealed chest and mutters some words and touched the chest and it opened with a pop. He reached inside and took from it a fancy engraved wooden box with golden hinges. He closed the chest and sat back at the table, he set the box down and pushed it towards Averey
    ”There you go, happy birthday” he said proudly to Averey
    “What is it?” Averey said excitedly whilst opening the box, his eyes lit up as he reached into the box and pulled out a silver short sword in its sheath he drew the sword from its holder it was a magnificent sword the best he had ever seen it was so shiny and sharp
    “That sword will lead you to many victories, I tell you now.”
    ”Is this your old sword.”
    “Well, sort of it was given to me by a noble man that I worked with on one of my first missions for the church. But I never used it much it just, didn't feel right so I just accepted that it wasn't the sword for me I guess”
    “Oh, I think its brilliant. I love it, thank you so much.” with that he got up and gave the old man a hug and walked merrily into the other room, Averey then placed the sword on his bed and put the box on a shelf, he then walked over to a set of drawers and picked out a fancy blue silk tunic and black trousers made from dragon skin. These were his best clothes he placed the clothes on his bed and got undressed showing his muscular, toned physique he wasn't a short man but he wasn't that tall really about 5'7, I reckon. He was a handsome man but he wasn't at all vain and didn't think of himself as a good looking man. He had wavy mousy brown hair that came down to his eyes making him look young and boyish and had bright green eyes. He washed his face in a bowl of warm water that he had gotten from the fire earlier then he dried off and put on his fancy clothes. Might I say he looked very handsome and noble in those clothes, he then picked the sword up and attached the sheath to his belt and walked over to his mirror and admired the sword on him. He walked into the kitchen
    “So, what do you think?” He asked the old man who looked round and admired the handsome young man. The old man smiled and said “Well, you look brilliant. You do scrub up well don't you?”
    “Thanks, I suppose” Averey said rather embarrassed. He went to leave the cottage when the old man stopped him and said with his hand on Averey's shoulder
    “I always knew you would grow up honest and noble, I always tell your parent when I visit them what a good man you have become” the old man choked the last of his words with joyful emotion. He wiped a tear from his eye and hugged Averey. Averey hugged the old man tightly burying his head into his beloved guardians shoulder and muttered (it’s all because of you though). They broke their embrace and gathered themselves. The old man cleared his throat and said “well you should get yourself of and see your parents.”
    “I will.” He said with a smile on his face, with that he left the shabby cottage.



    Chapter 2

    The sun was now high in the sky and today was a beautiful day. Averey walked to the gate and opened it and took a deep breath of the fresh summers air and set of down the shady cobbled street. He walked down the street and took a left which lead him onto a small but pretty street with a big gate at the end which lead to a farm owned and run by the church. The house he was going to was right next to the big gate, and it had flowers in the garden and ivy growing up one side of the house,the gate creaked as he opened it and a middle aged woman poked her head over from the back gate “hello Averey,” she said excitedly “I was wondering when you'd come round. I have a present for you.”she beamed at him and gestured for him to come round to the back of the house. he walked up to the back gate and pushed it open and walked into a big garden full of exotic looking plants and big colorful flowers there was also a huge vegetable and herb patch and at the bottom of the garden there were fruit trees which were full of all sorts of wonderful fruits.
    “How are you today Bella” Averey asked the woman “I'm good thank you Averey, such a wonderful day so I thought I'd do a bit of gardening” Averey chuckled “You always do a bit of gardening Bella, so do you want me to go to the market for you today?” he asked
    “umm yes I do, I need some butter and some eggs, also i need you to take this basket of veg to your father, speaking of whom how is he today?”
    She passed him a money bag with some coins inside.
    “He's doing o.k, his back is still bad though.”
    “Aww bless him, when you take that veg over tell him that I will come over to see him later “
    Averey picked up the basket of veg and went to turn for the gate when Bella stopped him “Do you not want your present? silly boy always thinking of others before yourself ”
    “Ha Ha i completely forgot,sorry” he put the basket back down and sat at the table in the garden,Bella went into the house, when she returned she was carrying a small parcel...

    this is ware i got stuck coz i cat decide what she should give him


    Last edited by H.Pillar on Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:12 am; edited 5 times in total (Reason for editing : just changes a few things b4 anyone reads it :p)
    avatar
    Species
    Level: Rookie
    Level: Rookie

    Gender : Male
    Posts : 697
    Joined : 2008-04-18

    Re: My First Story

    Post by Species on Wed Jul 23, 2008 12:18 pm

    just read the 1st paragraph and I can tell that you have a very descriptive style.
    avatar
    H.Pillar
    Level: Chibi
    Level: Chibi

    Name : Claire
    Age : 34
    Gender : Female
    Posts : 92
    Joined : 2008-07-18

    Re: My First Story

    Post by H.Pillar on Wed Jul 23, 2008 12:29 pm

    Species wrote:just read the 1st paragraph and I can tell that you have a very descriptive style.

    is that good or bad ??? like is there too much description maybe also i was wondering when you said i read the first paragraph does that mean thats all you read??? or did you read it all???

    thx
    avatar
    Chojin
    Rank: Guardian
    Rank: Guardian

    Name : Craig
    Age : 32
    Gender : Male
    Location : hiding in plain sight
    Posts : 2413
    Joined : 2008-04-19

    Re: My First Story

    Post by Chojin on Wed Jul 23, 2008 12:37 pm

    Species wrote:just read the 1st paragraph and I can tell that you have a very descriptive style.

    Check back to the first post soon, she'll be editting it with an improved layout and, at some point, a name for the main character


    _________________
    ..::Livejournal::..
    ..::DeviantArt::..
    ..::Facbook::..
    avatar
    Species
    Level: Rookie
    Level: Rookie

    Gender : Male
    Posts : 697
    Joined : 2008-04-18

    Re: My First Story

    Post by Species on Wed Jul 23, 2008 12:40 pm

    H.Pillar wrote:
    Species wrote:just read the 1st paragraph and I can tell that you have a very descriptive style.

    is that good or bad ??? like is there too much description maybe also i was wondering when you said i read the first paragraph does that mean thats all you read??? or did you read it all???

    thx

    thats good in my books, i will read all of your post and give more feed back, but i have bad eyes and find it hard to focus at the best of time never mind when I'm sleepy
    avatar
    H.Pillar
    Level: Chibi
    Level: Chibi

    Name : Claire
    Age : 34
    Gender : Female
    Posts : 92
    Joined : 2008-07-18

    Re: My First Story

    Post by H.Pillar on Thu Jul 24, 2008 6:24 am

    Chojin wrote:
    Species wrote:just read the 1st paragraph and I can tell that you have a very descriptive style.

    Check back to the first post soon, she'll be editting it with an improved layout and, at some point, a name for the main character

    lol "at some point" he could be nameless forever

    mwahahahahaaaa ahhaaaa lol

    Xx
    avatar
    Chojin
    Rank: Guardian
    Rank: Guardian

    Name : Craig
    Age : 32
    Gender : Male
    Location : hiding in plain sight
    Posts : 2413
    Joined : 2008-04-19

    Re: My First Story

    Post by Chojin on Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:04 am

    It's good to see you've got a name, hun. I'm glad I could help you with it.


    _________________
    ..::Livejournal::..
    ..::DeviantArt::..
    ..::Facbook::..
    avatar
    Fizzie
    Rank: Starling
    Rank: Starling

    Name : Sam
    Age : 35
    Gender : Female
    Location : Bristol
    Posts : 4948
    Joined : 2008-04-18

    Re: My First Story

    Post by Fizzie on Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:52 pm

    H.Pillar wrote:

    is that good or bad ??? like is there too much description maybe

    Aw, I know what you mean by that. I know description is good, but I find that when something's too descriptive it slows the pace right, right down and the reader can lose focus on the actual story.

    You're doing good though. Keep it up!! I love writing too!!

    Can I ask how you thought of the name "Nyx"?


    _________________
    avatar
    H.Pillar
    Level: Chibi
    Level: Chibi

    Name : Claire
    Age : 34
    Gender : Female
    Posts : 92
    Joined : 2008-07-18

    Re: My First Story

    Post by H.Pillar on Tue Jul 29, 2008 11:06 am

    Can I ask how you thought of the name "Nyx"?

    umm dunno actually just thought of it, it is a real name tho i think.
    how come??
    avatar
    Fizzie
    Rank: Starling
    Rank: Starling

    Name : Sam
    Age : 35
    Gender : Female
    Location : Bristol
    Posts : 4948
    Joined : 2008-04-18

    Re: My First Story

    Post by Fizzie on Tue Jul 29, 2008 9:02 pm

    H.Pillar wrote:
    Can I ask how you thought of the name "Nyx"?

    umm dunno actually just thought of it, it is a real name tho i think.
    how come??

    Just coz I know someone who uses that name online, so I was curious. Hehe!!


    _________________
    avatar
    H.Pillar
    Level: Chibi
    Level: Chibi

    Name : Claire
    Age : 34
    Gender : Female
    Posts : 92
    Joined : 2008-07-18

    Re: My First Story

    Post by H.Pillar on Fri Aug 08, 2008 4:55 am

    HEY people, im thinking of posting this story as an RP (mainly because im stuck on it) iv wrote part of the second chapter but i am stuck and have been for a while so there is a good starting point for someone else to work with if it became an RP.

    What do you think?

    also should i post the part of the second chapter hear and see what you think first of post it all in the RP section straight away???

    XXx thx
    avatar
    Species
    Level: Rookie
    Level: Rookie

    Gender : Male
    Posts : 697
    Joined : 2008-04-18

    Re: My First Story

    Post by Species on Fri Aug 08, 2008 10:02 am

    Ok i read it at last, i like it and have no idea where you are going to take this story,which is good as it intreeding me more.
    so thumbs up and more please Very Happy
    avatar
    H.Pillar
    Level: Chibi
    Level: Chibi

    Name : Claire
    Age : 34
    Gender : Female
    Posts : 92
    Joined : 2008-07-18

    Re: My First Story

    Post by H.Pillar on Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:37 am

    so what you guys think to the 2nd chapter??

    well i call it 'the' second chapter but if you have read it then you will know its only half of the 2nd chapter,

    also what do you think should happen next and what are your ideas on what she should give him??

    THX i would love to see your ideas on this, and if there good then they might even get into the story.

    xx
    avatar
    Chojin
    Rank: Guardian
    Rank: Guardian

    Name : Craig
    Age : 32
    Gender : Male
    Location : hiding in plain sight
    Posts : 2413
    Joined : 2008-04-19

    Re: My First Story

    Post by Chojin on Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:52 am

    For the next chapter, it would be to you advantage to post it in a new post as people don't tend to read the first post again and will miss any chapters you add.

    What Bella gives Averey would depend on a couple of things. Firstly, is she giving him something that is important to whatever quest he has? Secondly, it would depend on where you want the story to go.

    Past this, I can't really suggest anything.


    _________________
    ..::Livejournal::..
    ..::DeviantArt::..
    ..::Facbook::..
    avatar
    H.Pillar
    Level: Chibi
    Level: Chibi

    Name : Claire
    Age : 34
    Gender : Female
    Posts : 92
    Joined : 2008-07-18

    Re: My First Story

    Post by H.Pillar on Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:13 am

    Chojin wrote:What Bella gives Averey would depend on a couple of things. Firstly, is she giving him something that is important to whatever quest he has? Secondly, it would depend on where you want the story to go.

    exactly this is what im stuck on

    lol
    avatar
    Chojin
    Rank: Guardian
    Rank: Guardian

    Name : Craig
    Age : 32
    Gender : Male
    Location : hiding in plain sight
    Posts : 2413
    Joined : 2008-04-19

    Re: My First Story

    Post by Chojin on Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:35 am

    In that case, I'd give yourself more time by rewriting the second chapter; but when it comes to Bella asking if he wants his present, make it so he comes back later for it


    _________________
    ..::Livejournal::..
    ..::DeviantArt::..
    ..::Facbook::..

    Sponsored content

    Re: My First Story

    Post by Sponsored content


      Current date/time is Thu Jul 27, 2017 3:37 pm