Troubles

Feeling pretty damn crappy about the whole GAME thing... really don't understand why she was picked for the job instead of me... =(

^ your awesome your time will come

Me i did not get paid from work so i have to live an entire month without money yaaaaay fml why does this always happen to me

Well, I'm feeling alot better than earlier. Kinda. Ok, so I'm feeling better, but not "alot" better. I'm in such conflict here. I don't know what to do - as I said to a friend in reply to her comment on my last post on my Live Journal.

I've been trying so hard to just get on with things... to keep it together... but I don't know if I can. And I don't even know if I should. Is it really ok to ask and expect this of me in the first place? Surely I've already been pushed passed what's acceptable to ask of me as it is?

Part of me wants to be friends with her. We chat online often, sometimes by text too, and we've even spoken on the phone a couple of times when she's needed someone to talk to. And, in all honesty, I've enjoyed our chats, and I've been happy to be there for her. But that doesn't mean that everything she put me through isn't still as fresh and as sore as when it was all happening.

It hurts. It always has. And I've always had to bottle it up, because there's nothing else I can do. I've tried talking to Kaze about it, but I always end-up feeling like I'm in the wrong when I do. And he always seems to get angry with me "bringing it up again". And he gets the impression I'm trying to "make him choose" between us. And I'm not. Although, to be honest, part of me thinks it's a choice he should've already made on his own. But, at the same time, I understand why he shouldn't.

As far as he sees it, it's dealt with. And for all intents and purposes, it is. From our side, at least. But it's not just my feelings that need to be considered here. His do too. But I can't understand why he'd want to be friends with someone like her. And I know I can never trust her. And I don't even like much about her.

Which is why part of me doesn't want to be friends with her. She does things that give girls a bad name. She does things I find degrading and disgusting. I can't even begin to explain... eventhough I've obviously tried. But yeah, you get the idea. And aside from that, as I said, she hurts me. She's put me through too much already, and having her in my life is a constant reminder of that pain.

If I could be real friends with her, forgive her, trust her, life would be alot easier.

If I could be free of her, free of the reminders, free of the pain, life would be alot easier.

Which path do I choose? I know I can't forgive her. I know I can't trust her. So I can't go down that path. But the other path isn't a path I can choose unless I'm willing to give up Kaze as well. And I'm not. I love him. I love him so much. But... why should I be made to feel like this? This relationship is supposed to be between me and him - not me, him and her. And a part of me is scared that one day... enough will be enough and I won't be able to do this anymore...

I don't want or expect him to choose between us... but I'm worried that one day I'll make that choice for him and leave... not even through my own choice, but because I'll reach my limit and won't be able to take anymore...

I've come across a dilemma; one that I haven't had for a while. I was out the other night with a couple of mates; one of which I have a liking for. Me and our mate walked her home and then stayed together as we walked back into town for her to get a taxi. We said our goodbyes and kissed. It didn't feel like a goodbye kiss, so now I'm confused... or it could just be that it's been a long time since I've even kissed anyone, lol.