[Kukikoi] 10 Day Writing Challenge

Ok, I've done a few of these already, so I'll update now, and then continue with the rest as and when I do them. ^^;


Day 1: 10 Things You Want To Say To 10 Different People
Day 2: 9 Things About Yourself
Day 3: 8 Ways To Win Your Heart
Day 4: 7 Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot
Day 5: 6 Things You Wish You Had Never Done
Day 6: 5 People Who Mean A Lot To You
Day 7: 4 Turn Offs
Day 8: 3 Turn Ons
Day 9: 2 Actions Or Events That Describe Your Life Right Now
Day 10: 1 Confession

Day 1: 10 Things You Want To Say To 10 Different People

1) I don't know if you realise how much you mean to me. And how vulnerable that makes me feel. I know I can take care of myself, but that doesn't make me any less easy to hurt. And that doesn't make me any less scared you won't want me anymore. And I wish you could understand why I am the way I am. It's very simple really, but you seem to want to ignore the fact that when I act a certain way; it's your own fault. And you knew from the start what lying does to me. Just as you knew from the start everything I'd been through before. And you've no idea how much it pains me when I wonder if you really love me as much as I love you. And I can honestly say that I'm really happy with where we are right now.

2) I wish you'd wake up to how awesome you are. Sometimes you seem to get it, and you realise how far you've come. But then sometimes your world seems to turn upside down, and you forget the truth of the matter. You've worked your ass off to get where you are today, and you deserve so much better treatment than what some people seem to give you.

3) I can't even tell you how much I wish we were closer. It seems like we either talk to eachother everyday, or not at all. I wish we had more in common. And I don't think I ever told you how happy for you I was, and how proud of you I was, when you got rid of him. You deserve so much better, and I know it took alot of strength to get rid, and get through.

4) I never got to say "goodbye". And that regret has never left me. You were meant to be coming home that day. But you didn't. I never saw you again. Less than a handful of friends even know how I feel about this. And none of the family (as far as I'm aware). I'm sure they all thought I just couldn't be bothered or something when I didn't come to say goodbye after. But I just couldn't. I knew it was real. Of course it was. But I didn't want to believe it. And I knew that seeing you... like that... would take away any denial I had left inside me. And I couldn't bare it. I wasn't ready. Why did everything happen so fast... why did it have to happen at all... I've never forgotten about you. And I miss you.

5) I wish we were as close as we used to be. We don't even speak that often anymore, and when we do, I find myself awaiting whatever painful remark you'll come out with "this time". You've always been there for me, and I've never once taken that for granted. But I feel like nothing I ever say or do is good enough for you. I feel as though I'll always just be a disappointment to you.

6) I wish were still best friends. We used to be so close, despite being so different. But we grew apart. And not just because I moved away... we were growing apart a long time before then. I tried so hard to ignore your selfishness, but with every mile you took; you just kept pushing me away. I know you'll always be there for me (as I'll always be here for you), but now I never know if it's because you care about me, or because you just wanna get involved with some gossip or drama.

7) I'm lucky to have a friend like you. Honestly, you've no idea how much you've done for me over the years. You're always there for me, and (eventhough I'm here for you too) ask nothing in return. You always hope for my happiness, and I can only hope you're as happy as you wish others to be. You deserve so much.

8) I don't even know anymore. You've no real idea what you've done to me. And yet here I am trying to be friends again. Sometimes I feel like everything's ok now, and I almost consider you a friend like any other. But then I don't. And I don't know if I ever will. In all honesty, I can't decide whether I want you out of my life, or as involved in it as any friend would normally be. When we talk, I'm surprisingly ok. I enjoy our chats, and I genuinely mean everything I say. I don't pretend to be concerned about you, or happy for you; I actually am. So why then do I still have this confusion? Why can I still not trust you?

9) I can't even begin to express how much I hate you for what you've done. I don't know most of what you've said to our friends, but trying to turn them against me was just not on. Luckily, some of them know me better than that, and they've stuck around and treat me the same as they always do. A small few however, either don't talk to me at all (if they can help it), or just don't treat me the same as they used to. And I hate you for that. You've always known how much my friends mean to me.

10) I hope you're ok. When we were kids, we were close, eventhough we fought sometimes. As we got older, we stayed close, until things suddenly started to change. But no matter how far apart we became; we were always drawn back to eachother again. But when things got to how they were the last time we saw eachother, I wondered how much of a mug I was being. I felt like you were just using me for money, and a place to stay. And given that I never seemed to see you unless you needed one, the other, or both; it's no surprise. Why did you end-up that way? And what will it take for you to wake up and change? I miss you.


Not gonna lie; alot of those made me cry whilst I was typing away.

Day 2: 9 Things About Yourself

1) I'm not perfect. I'm not what the media would have you believe is the perfect girl. I don't look it, I don't act, and I don't intend to be it. I'm just me. Yes, I'd prefer to weigh less, and look slimmer, but I've no intention of going for the "supermodel" look (I actually think it's disgusting). And whilst I don't aim to live up to anyone's standards or expectations, I still wonder and worry what people think of me. And whilst I do try my best, I also recognise the fun in "when things go wrong", and I try to learn from my mistakes.

2) I hate my breasts. My boobs are currently sized at 32J. I've wanted a breast reduction for years now, but the problem is apparently my weight. Last time I went on a diet for the operation, I managed to get myself down to the weight they wanted, and then they moved the goal posts. They seem to ignore just how much weight the boob job would remove alone (trust me - it's alot). I'm actually more concerned about the size of my breasts than the size of my waist. If I ever won the Lotto or something, this would be one of the first things I spend my money on.

3) I've been through alot. Yes, I'm sure we've all "been through alot", but I feel I still need to point this out. There was a time when my trust was handed-out freely. You had it unless you broke it. But so many people have taken advantage of me, trampled all over my feelings, and hurt me repeatedly, that things have changed. And it happened without me even realising it at first. Basically, these days, you have to earn my trust before I'll even consider giving it to you. And if you break it; it's gone for good. Even if you got some of it back, it'd never be what it was.

4) My friends mean the world to me. Be them old or new, near or far, they mean everything to me. There are so many of them that I wish I got to talk to and see much more often. I hope they know how much I love them, and that I'll always be there for them.

5) I have no set religion. I believe in magic as much as I do science. And I recognise the similarities between atheism and wicca. I don't believe in any set deities, but I do remain open-minded regarding them.

6) I may not be the strongest person in the world, but I'm also not the weakest. I can take care of myself, and I surprise myself with just how strong I can be when I need to. But I'm also emotional, and very easily hurt. And when you hurt me; it never really goes away.

7) I long to discover my talent. I have a love for many things, but I don't feel talented in any of them. In both work and hobby life, I've never felt like I've found "my calling". I'm either not passionate enough about what I'm having to do, or I'm not good enough at what I love to do.

8) I suffer from depression and anxiety. Most of you know this already, but there it is for anyone who didn't. I suffer from these greatly. Sometimes one if worse than the other, sometimes they're both calm or aggressive at the same time, and sometimes one sets off the other, which sets off the other again, which then sets off the other again, and I end-up in a very downward spiral. It doesn't take much to set either of them off, but the biggest problem is when something important in my life sets the ball rolling. I may not even be upset about the catalyst event itself, but it's enough to kick start things. And in the worst cases, I have self-harmed, and attempted suicide.

9) I can only be pushed so far. I will put up with alot, and believe me, it takes a hell of alot to push me too far, but once you do; you're out of my life. But, in saying that, I'll always be here for you - no matter what. Even if I've cut you out of my life (for whatever reason), I'd still be there if you needed me.

Day 3: 8 Ways To Win Your Heart

1) Keep making an effort. So many people seem to put all the effort in when they're trying to win someone over, but you need to continue that effort afterwards too. At the end of the day, if I'm not worth the effort anymore, then you shouldn't be with me, and I can do better. And when I say "effort", I don't mean that it always has to be some over-the-top romantic gesture. Those are lovely, but it actually doesn't take that much for me to know if I'm wanted or not. Say it, and show it. If you love me; let me know. Actions speak louder than words, but if you don't say anything at all then I'll be left with no choice other than to assume I mean nothing to you. And I'll leave. It doesn't take much to tell someone how you feel. Nor does it take much to show them either. The simple act of a hug, or a kiss, especially when I least expect it, go along way.

2) Be forever loyal. Don't lie to me. Don't cheat on me. All the things that should be common sense within a relationship really. And be aware that you can't just do whatever you want and get away with it. If you're lucky enough for me to still want you around after hurting me like that, then you'll just have to deal with whatever consequences come after. Even with that though, if you keep pushing, you will push me too far and it'll your fault, and your loss when I get rid of you.

3) Have balance. What I mean by that is hobbies, I guess. I like to have stuff in common, so we can do things together. But I think it's good (and healthy) that we also have things, even little things, that we can do on our own.

4) Have a mind of your own. Don't hide your feelings or your opinions from me. I don't wanna be with a zombie. Say what you mean, good or bad. When I ask how you are, or what you think, or even what you're thinking; I ask for a reason. Don't be afraid to share. In all honesty, you're only insulting me, upsetting me, and pushing me away if you don't.

5) Treat me as your equal. That says it all really. I'm not above you, and I'm not below you. And, if you haven't guessed by now, everything I write here applies to me too. I don't expect anyone to treat me any better than I treat them. I expect equality. And I deserve it.

6) Don't hide me away. Again, I guess that says it all. Don't hide me from your friends or family. Don't pretend I'm not your partner in public. Hold my hand. Kiss me. Cuddle me. If you're ashamed to be with me; then you shouldn't be.

7) Be there. I'm an emotional person. I don't how much of that is my depression, or anxiety, or even just me. Some people are just more emotional than others. So be there for me. Let me cry when I need to. And ask me about it. But have patience also. When I'm upset, or scared, it can take a while for me to get the words out of my head and into my mouth. It doesn't mean I don't want to be asked, or I just want to be left alone. I can't always talk about things unless I'm asked. If I want to be left alone; I'll tell you. And let me be there for you. Your strength does give me strength, but I know you're not made of stone. Let me comfort you when you need it. Even if I can do nothing by hold you when you need to cry... let me.

8) Be fun. I've lost alot of what self-confidence I had over the years, but I'm slowly collecting it all back again. I tire of the same thing day in and day out, and I wanna be more fun again. But if you never seem bothered to do anything with me, then I won't feel confident enough to mention anything I wanna do with you. And don't tell me I can go somewhere without you, or do something without you. I already know that. But if I'm asking to do something with you then it means I want to do it with you.

Day 4: 7 Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot

1) Friends. I have the most amazing friends in the world, and I'm so lucky to have them.

2) Work. I'm loving this job. Will I be able to keep it after the season is over?

3) Age. I'm old, and only getting older. I may not feel old, but I know these numbers are looming over my head.

4) Weight. I don't aim to be super skinny or anything, but I would like to lose some weight again.

5) Depression. And the knowledge that, no matter how up I may feel at any one time; it doesn't take much to knock me right back down again.

6) Anxiety. When will I be able to relax and just enjoy what I have instead of constantly worrying about how/when it'll all go wrong?

7) Love. Is it mine for real? For always? Or will I be thrown away and forgotten about? Is it even possible for someone to love me as much as I love them?

Day 5: 6 Things You Wish You Had Never Done

1) Went out with a certain person. That boy put me through more hell than anyone releases. Even those who know about most of that he did to me, don't know the full story. He took away what little self-confidence I had. He verbally abused me and used me for years. But I couldn't leave. He had me trapped as he convinced me that no one liked me, no one wanted me around, and no one would ever love me. He may not be the initial case for my depression, but he rolled the first snowball. He made me hate myself to the point of wanting to die. He thought I couldn't leave him because he was all I had. And, for a while, he was right.

It took me a couple of years, but I came to a cross roads in my own mind. I was literally ready to die that day, and no one knew about it. If it was a choice between being with him, or being dead; I wanted to be dead. And given how much I thought everyone else hated me; I thought it was for the best. But I realised there was another option, as I went through my old photo albums, removing him from it. It may sound cheesy or whatever, but I don't care... going through my photos and seeing all my friends. I came to realise everything he'd forced upon me was rubbish. I'd seen the way he treated other people too, and it was clear it was him who didn't have any real friends, because he treats them all like sh*t.

Everything inside me changed. It wasn't totally "reset" (the depression had taken tight hold by then), but I was out of the funk I'd been in for years, and I was ready to take back my life. And I did. I went round to his sisters (where he was staying over at the time, I think) that evening after he finished work, collected my PS2 and everything else I'd leant him, and disappeared. I couldn't even be bothered to converse with him. He had no idea I was ending it all. I knew if I told him then he'd just try to stop me again, and as much as I knew I didn't want to be with him, and I had no feelings for him (I hadn't for a looong long time), but I didn't wanna take any chances of him managing to verbally beat me down again. I just wanted out as quickly as possible.

Even then, just by asking for my games console back because I was planning to visit my mum, brother, and cousin (who's moved to Eastbourne, and I was still living in Croydon at the time), it apparently enough to warrant a good abuse session. He made a fuss that I wanted my belongings back, and that I was going to visit my family. "And what if I don't want you to go?" was on of the, less offensive, things he said. I think that sentence alone shows how much he expected to control my life. I wasn't aloud out without him, and he never took me anywhere. He'd start yelling at me if he found out I went somewhere without him. Even if I, or we (if there was a group), had offered for him to come along as well.

But yeah. He stood there, talking down to me, calling me names, and unwittingly giving me more and more reasons not to be with him or around him. I felt so relieved by the end of it. I'd never have to see him again. I told my nan (who I was living with at the time) that I didn't wanna take any calls from him if he phoned the house phone, and I changed my mobile number as soon as I could afford a new sim card too (I was on Pay As You Go at the time).

Wow. That was longer than expected. XD Also, yes, I have seen him since, and I have to say, I've never known anyone to love themselves the way he does. He also didn't like hearing that I was going out with someone else. Apparently I wasn't allowed to. Er... ye~ah. ¬_¬ I've also heard (from friends, and ex's), and experienced first-hand, the fact, that he still treats everyone else like sh*t.

2) Got fat. I don't even know how it happened, but it happened quickly. I used to be a size 10-12. Now I'm not. But at least I'm not as big as I was in high school. Again, I don't know how it happened, but I lost a bunch of weight and became a 12-14. Then the weight came back on again, and I gave up even trying (seeing as my body seems to do whatever it wants without influence from me). But I've managed to lose weight intentionally before, and I plan to do so again.

3) Went out with another certain person. Now, we all know I've got depression, right? So I can be pretty down at times. And sometimes it's for seemingly no reason at all. But this guy was miserable beyond belief. It was like he enjoyed it. Don't get me wrong, he did have his moments where he seemed to really be enjoying himself... but there always a moan waiting right around the corner. Infact, the only time I ever seemed to be having any fun with him was when there were other people around. So I guess, in truth, I was having more fun with them than him. And even that was rare because he never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. I also don't appreciate being cheated on. And I don't appreciate being lied to, or about. I absolutely hate him for trying to turn our mutual friends against me.

I had tried to be friends with him a few times. But he never seems happy unless he's making me feel unhappy.Seriously. He also had a go at me when he found out I was seeing someone else. Eventhough it was him who did the breaking up, not me. He gave up any say in the matter when he broke us up (note: at this point, I hadn't heard about the cheating). Now, he had a massive problem with me moving on, but somehow he apparently managed to twist that and say something about me having a problem with him going out with a certain someone? I dunno for sure, but it's something I heard. And, no. I didn't have a problem with him going out with her. I had a problem with him cheating on me with her when we were still together.

Back to what I was saying before; he'd only really talk to me if I was having a bad day. But not in the way a normal friend would. He'd never offer support or anything (like I would for him, or anyone else). He just seemed to like knowing that I was suffering. And he took every opportunity to make digs at me. And I mean every opportunity (no matter what up or down mood I was in). And if I was having a good day, he'd make sure to try and bring me down by the end of our conversation. I didn't need that.

4) Got mentally ill. My depression and my anxiety has hindered and nearly killed me so many times over now that I've lost count. It's to the point where, even if I'm quite happy in myself and my life, I'll still take note of anywhere that might make a good suicide spot. It's not even a conscience decision at those certain times. I'll literally catch myself doing it and mentally scold myself for thinking such a thing. I can't tell if it's because somewhere inside, I still hate myself, and I'm plotting against myself. Or if something inside is keeping track of all the "exits", should I need them in the future to save me from the pain this world so often causes me. In any case, it seems to be something I can't help but do.

5) Went out with yet another certain person. I don't have much to say about him because we weren't together that long, but I still wish I never wasted my time and energy on him. He was spineless beyond belief, a complete liar, and a total let down. I tried to help him grow abit of backbone, but it was a wasted effort. Anyway, he screwed me around during a time in my life when I needed more support than I had in a long, long time. I'd been going through something that was creeping my depression back into it's "danger zone", and all he did was make that worse, and make the way I felt about myself worse.

Again, another ex who had a problem with me going out with someone else. After we broke up, but before I started dating again, he sent me this message that all nice and blahblahblah. I didn't wanna know. I was fed-up trying to be friends with ex's at this point. Then, a couple of years later, I get a really nasty message, very much telling me to die (some of you might remember it as I posted it here at the time). What changed? I didn't know at the time he sent the message, but I heard from a mutual friend that he didn't like seeing my relationship status. *shrugs* Not my problem.

6) Lost my self-confidence. I was never the most confident girl in the world, but I had enough to get me through. You've already read how I lost it all. And I did get alot of it back. I became myself again. And, even after each other person who managed to knock it down, I'm still becoming more and more like myself everyday. I feel a want, and a need, to do more and be more. And above all: I want to be me.

Day 6: 5 People Who Mean A Lot To You

1) My family. My mum is always there for me, no matter what. We may not share too many of the same interests, but when we're together she's like a best friend as well as a mum. My nan is also always there for me, and she's done alot for me too. We don't speak as much as I'd like because, as much as I know she loves me, I don't feel like anything I do is ever good enough. GGG, my... well, he;s my cousin, but he's always felt like more a brother to me. Again, he's there for me, and we share alot of the same interests, so we're never short on fun when we're together. Monkey, my real brother. We've all grown apart from him, but he still means alot to me. I hope he sorts his life and priorities out, for himself more than anyone else. I'd love to see him again, and see him doing well.

2) Kaze's family. They've always been kind to me, and they've accepted me despite my faults.

3) DSX. My friend since college. No. One of my best friends since college. I don't think I've ever known anyone as kind and thoughtful as him. I can only hope that all this good karma he's building up really comes back to him. He really deserves it.

4) Zydrate. One of my best friends, and my inspiration. She reminds me alot of how I used to be before all my confidence was stolen from me. Unfortunately, her down times remind me alot of how I was after that, and I'm so scared she'll end-up as unfixable as I am. In any case, she'll always be awesome as far as I'm concerned.

5) Kaze. It's coming up on our 2 year anniversary, and we've already been through quite alot together. I know things will never be perfect in life, or in any kind of relationship, but I hope things'll be a little smoother now we've shifted out the problems. I feel like I've known him all my life, and this is where I'm meant to be, but at the same time, I feel like I've not really been with him that long after all. He's there to reassure me when I'm upset, he looks after me when I'm ill, and he encourages me when I need it most. He knows all my faults, and yet he still wants to be with me.


Sorry, but I was having such a hard time with this one that I just had to cheat a little. There's no way I could just pick 5 people. Even cheating, I've still missed out so many important people in my life. I just hope you know who you are and you forgive me. =(

Day 7: 4 Turn Offs

1) Smoking, drug taking, alcoholism. All instant turn-offs. I think smoking is disgusting to look, to smell, and also to even have knowledge of. And just so you know; even if you don't think you stink: you do. And believe it or not, smoking actually makes me sick. Literally. It gives me headaches/migraines, and can lead to me vomiting. Alot. Even without this though; if I know you smoke, I won't even bother with you. Taking drugs is just plain stupid. And I guarantee that, even if I liked you before, the minute you're on drugs, I won't like you anymore. Drinking too much is again, stupid. Having a drink is all good, but know your limits. Even if it doesn't ruin your night, it'll ruin somebody else's. I don't wanna baby-sit a f*cking drunk. I don't wanna clean up your puke. I'm sure we all go over out limit accidentally sometimes, but if it's a regular occurrence, then I won't want to out anywhere with you. None of these things are cool, clever, or attractive, and they're definitely not sexy.

2) Checking out and/or flirting with other people. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect you never to look at or talk to anyone else again. But I do expect you to have eyes for me and only me. There's a very big difference between looking at someone, and checking them out. Just as there's a very big difference between talking with someone, and flirting with them. Same applies to dancing. You wanna dance with a friend? Sure. But if you're gonna start "sexy dancing" or "grinding" with them; consider me gone.

3) Narcissism. We're all told we should love ourselves more, but there's a difference between loving yourself and being in love with yourself.

4)Dishonesty. I know I seem to push this subject whenever I get the chance, but guess what; it's that f*cking important. Let me tell you the only form of "dishonesty" I will tolerate: Basically, the kind where you have a nice surprise for someone (such as a party, or a gift). Something where when they find out the truth, they'll be pleased by it. Anything else, if just not on. And this includes white lies, lying for "my own good", misleading me, hiding things from me, secrets, etc. White lies are not "harmless". Lying "for someone's own good" is never for their own good at all. And misleading someone, hiding something, etc, are all forms of lying (and you all know what you're doing, so feigning ignorance won't work). And there's never any need for it. I absolutely hate that sh*t about "the truth would hurt you". What hurts more is the fact you've lied to me! Get it in your heads: however hurtful a truth may be, it's nothing compared to a lie. Lies are betrayal, and they ruin lives. When you betray someone, you shake up their ability to trust anyone. Not just you! And when you do that, you change everything for them. Even things you may think simple. But you've damaged them, and taking away so many opportunities from them. Some may not even be able to trust ever again. And it'd be your fault. So before f*ck things up for that person, and anyone else who may deserve their trust, but are unable to gain it because of what some selfish lying prick did to them before; think, and don't do it!!

10 Day Writing Challenge: Day 8

1) Love.

2) Honesty.

3) Respect.


Sorry, but I'm not sharing intimate stuff online or in real life, with anyone who doesn't need to know.

10 Day Writing Challenge: Day 9

Day 1: 10 Things You Want To Say To 10 Different People
Day 2: 9 Things About Yourself
Day 3: 8 Ways To Win Your Heart
Day 4: 7 Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot
Day 5: 6 Things You Wish You Had Never Done
Day 6: 5 People Who Mean A Lot To You
Day 7: 4 Turn Offs
Day 8: 3 Turn Ons
Day 9: 2 Actions Or Events That Describe Your Life Right Now
Day 10: 1 Confession


Day 9: 2 Actions Or Events That Describe Your Life Right Now


1) Laughing.

2) Crying.


I didn't actually know how to answer this one, so this'll just have to do.

10 Day Writing Challenge: Day 10

Day 1: 10 Things You Want To Say To 10 Different People
Day 2: 9 Things About Yourself
Day 3: 8 Ways To Win Your Heart
Day 4: 7 Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot
Day 5: 6 Things You Wish You Had Never Done
Day 6: 5 People Who Mean A Lot To You
Day 7: 4 Turn Offs
Day 8: 3 Turn Ons
Day 9: 2 Actions Or Events That Describe Your Life Right Now
Day 10: 1 Confession


Day 10: 1 Confession


1) I fear getting old more than anything else in the world. The thought alone terrifies me more than I can say.