[Kukikoi] 30 Day Letters Challenge

1. Your best friend.

2. Your boyfriend.

3. Your parents.

4. Your siblings.

5. Your dreams.

6. A stranger.

7. Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.

8. Your favorite Internet friend.

9.Someone you wish you could meet.

10.Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to.

11. A deceased person you wish you could talk to.

12. The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.

13. Someone you wish you could forgive.

14 .Someone you've drifted away from.

15. The person you miss the most.

16. Someone that's not in your state/country.

17. Someone from your childhood.

18. The person that you wish you could be.

19. Someone that pesters your mind – good or bad.

20. The one that broke your heart the hardest.

21. Someone you judged by their first impression.

22. Someone you want to give a second chance to.

23. The last person you kissed.

24. The person that gave you your favorite memory.

25. The person you know that is going through the worst of times.

26. The last person you made a pinky promise to.

27. The friendliest person you knew for only one day.

28. Someone that changed your life.

29. The person that you want to tell everything to, but are too afraid to.

30. Your reflection in the mirror.

30 Day Letters Challenge: Day 1


Day 1) Your Best Friend

Yo Maru!!

Where to start? *thinks* I have alot of friends, some of whom are utterly amazing, but you really are my best friend. I think we've known eachother about 2 years now? But I feel like I've known you my whole life. <3

I can't tell you how much I wish we lived closer together so we could hang out in real life as often as we talk online and by text.

You're always there for me, no matter what. And you inspire me more than you realise. I've always been kinda envious of you (but not in a bad way). Why? Because you're beautiful, hard working, talented, and when you're acting fun and crazy, you remind me of myself before the depression took it's toll (though I've never been quite as loud or just plain batshit as you, Mary ;p).

It was horrible to hear you'd been diagnosed with depression too. Not just because I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but because it was you. You've always been so strong, so full of life, and the love for life... I was so scared you'd turn out like me.

But you've done incredibly well so far. You have your moments, and that's to be expected. But most of all; you're still you. =) I've seen the differences in you when you on high and low tides, but you're still Mary to me. Depression is just an unwanted add-on.

Also, I have to apologise for the times when you choose to open-up to me about whatever's on your mind, or going on in your life (with or without the added depression), and I've not been that great at advice. I try, but I dunno if anything I say or suggest is actually any good for you.

I also hate saying "I know what you mean" or "I've been through that myself" because it's such a cliche thing to say. And too often it's said to us by people who actually have no idea what we're going through, and have never been into situations like our own. It also sounds like I'm trying to switch the topic of conversation onto me instead of you, because I'll usually go on to explain why. But that's not what I'm meaning to do. I just try to explain so you can see that those cliches I happen to be using are actually true in my case. I won't say it at all otherwise.

Sorry. I'm sure you know that, but it's something I feel the need to explain to people because I hate those, usually, empty cliches.

Also, I have to admit that, whilst I wouldn't wish depression on anyone, the fact you have it adds to me calm. What I mean is; the more people I know "in the same boat" as me, the calmer I feel about being in it myself. Like it's ok to be this way. It's not a nice thing, but it happens, and it's ok. I've met alot of people with depression, and, as much as I wish they didn't have to go through it, it is encouraging to see how some of them live their lives despite this mental illness, and it's so relieving to know I'm not the only one, and to actually feel like you, and they, really understand what I'm talking about when I'm going through my lowest times.

Yeah, I ramble alot. >_>

What else was I gonna say (I feel like I'm gonna leave so much out by accident)? Oh yeah! You inspire me. Alot. You've come so far, so quickly, and you've worked damn hard to get there too. Even now, after the sh*t that got dealt out to you by some c*nt who clearly doesn't know how friendship works, has f*ck all morals, and very obviously shouldn't be allowed to run a business; you're taking this and turning it around. You're trying to make the best of it. And I think you will. =)

Ok, I think this virtual ass kissing has gone on long enough. I've probably missed out something important, but I'm sure you'll come up again in this challenge, so I can always add it in then.

Look after yourself and never give up!!

Loves 'n' hugs,

Samu

30 Day Letters Challenge: Day 2

Day 2) Your Boyfriend

To my Luff,

I love you.

That is all.

...

...

...

No, seriously. Um, where to start? Well, as I already said in the last writing challenge...

It's coming up on our 2 year anniversary, and we've already been through quite alot together. I know things will never be perfect in life, or in any kind of relationship, but I hope things'll be a little smoother now we've shifted out the problems.

I feel like I've known you all my life, and this is where I'm meant to be, but at the same time, I feel like I've not really been with you that long after all. You're there to reassure me when I'm upset,you look after me when I'm ill, and you encourage me when I need it most. You knows all my faults, and yet you still wants to be with me.

Sorry. I didn't wanna repeat myself, but I also didn't wanna leave anything out. ^^; The rest'll probably be random points that come into my head as and when (my brain's asleep).

Also, I've never known anyone to understand my depression the way you do. And that actually makes me feel alot calmer and better about it. I know you won't judge me when I'm going through a hard time. Just a cuddle with you can calm me down.

I love that we can have fun together, indoors and outdoors, with others and without them. I guess sharing so many of the same interests contributes to that alot. But we also have a nice balance. There are things we're into together, and things we're into separately. But we're not so disinterested to the point of not caring. We can still share stories and such about whatever we're upto, without boring the crap out of eachother. ;p

I know I will have left things out of this because my brain isn't working at all right now, and because there's just so much to say (but I'm sure you'll pop up again in this challenge, or in another in the future). I think we've got a good thing going here, and your love and support mean everything to me.

Love you for always,

Your Luff

PS: This feels so unfinished... I wish I could think straight. >_<

30 Day Letters Challenge: Day 3

3) Your Parents

Dear Mum,

Where's my cheese scones? ;p

Hehe!! I loves you, mummy, and I wish we spoke and saw eachother more often. When we're together, we're like best friends as well as mother-and-daughter. I can't wait to see you again.

I also don't think I ever told you how proud I was of you when you got rid of Dale. He put you through so much crap over the years and you've always deserved better. Seeing you get away from him and move on with your life reminded me just how strong you are. I'm sure you don't realise it yourself, but you are strong. And since you've gotten away from him you've seemed so much happier too.

I hate what he put your through, especially as he knew full-well what you'd already been put through by dad. You didn't deserve what he did to you back then, and you didn't deserve to put through more crap by Dale either. I know the pair of them have made it harder for you to trust other guys now. And it makes me so angry that they've done all this to you.

But whatever. They're gone. And you're better off without them. I just want you to enjoy life, and enjoy being you.

I'm sorry for the times I've scared you when my depression has peaked. I know how else to apologise... just, when I'm in those states, and all I can think about is how much I'm hurting, or how much I hate myself... I don't actually think that I'm hurting anybody else because, at those times, I think you're all better off without me. Please understand that I never say or do anything to myself because I want to hurt you or anybody else (other than myself).

I hope I can still make you proud someday.

Love always,

Sam

---


Dad,

I haven't see you in so long now. We've spoken on Facebook briefly. Very briefly.

For what you did to mum; I spent alot of time hating you. I still can't forgive you for it, but it's gotten to the point it always gets to with people I hate. The point where I just can't be bothered anymore, and I end-up not thinking about them at all.

Except sometimes I think I miss you. Sometimes I do cry about it. But then I don't know. Do I miss you, or do I just miss having a dad? It hurts to know I'll never be able to see you in the same light again.

You hurt and betrayed us all. You (and possibly mum) thought that Mike and myself didn't notice what was going on. But I knew. And I'm sure Mike did too. But what could either or us say or do? Whenever I tried to ask if something was wrong, nobody would tell me. But I knew something was wrong from the start. And it didn't take long for me to put the pieces together. But still I hoped I was wrong.

For a short time after the split, I did try to carry on as normal. But I couldn't do it. Letting you think it was ok to do what you did just wasn't right. And ignoring it went against every moral, and every bone, in my body. I couldn't just ignore what you did, forgive you, and carry on, just because you had the title of "dad". Blood may be thick, but it doesn't mean you can do whatever you want and get away with it.

Even at that time, when I was trying to get on with things, and trying to get on with "her", it was obvious you didn't care about anyone else anymore. She started fight after fight with me and you always took her side. As much as I hated her, I wasn't out to pick a fight with her. She, on the other-hand, was very obviously trying to force you away from what family you had left. But you refused to see. That woman didn't give a sh*t about her own family - did you really think she'd care about your's!?

Do you even remember that time back at nan's old house in Croydon? You stopped by the house for some reason (I don't even remember what). I hadn't even looked at her, let alone spoken to her (I was in the kitchen - nowhere even near the front door where she could see me, so it wasn't even possible for me to mouth anything, or give any dirty looks, or anything at all - hell, I didn't even know she was there), and she came barging in and tried to attack me? That's what she does because she knows you'll take her side everytime.

She made the effort of storming through, to get to the kitchen, which was at the other end of the house, just to start a fight me. How the hell was that my fault!?

After everything, I tried to keep things civil. I even tried to believe you might even care about me. But I knew you never bothered with me unless nan bugged you to. You didn't care. You haven't cared since you left.

Years later, and you still hurt people over her. I can't believe what you've done to nan. Even after everybody else gave-up on you, she was still there. She made efforts where no one else would, or could, anymore. She put up with her for your sake. Time and time again, she insulted and hurt nan. And time and time again, nan put up with it and tried to make things work. She's done nothing but be there for you, and you treated her like dirt!!

That woman you gave everything up for is pure evil. She's purposely been rude, picked fights, hidden your mail, and lied wherever she needed to, so that she could take you away from everyone else. Your own family. And what's worse is... you've let her.

So, yes. Sometimes, I do think I miss you. We used to have alot of fun together before you stabbed us all in the back. We used to play video games together, watch movies, go for rides on the motor bike... lots of things. And that was just with me. What about all the stuff you used to do with the rest of your family and friends? It's all gone because of that monster.

I miss having a dad. And I miss you. But I miss the "you" who you used to be. Not the "you" who you are today. I want you to be him again. My dad. I want you to care about me, and be interested in me, and what's going on in my life. But I know that'll never happen. You, and her... the pair of you have taken that away from me.

I don't wanna miss you anymore. I don't wanna care anymore. Not if it's all for nothing.

- Sam (that daughter accident you once had)

4) Your Siblings

Hey Mike,

How're you and what're you upto these days? I haven't heard from you for such a long time. I've tried calling, texting, and messaging you via Facebook, but I never got anywhere, so I decided to leave it to you. Last I heard from you was that you were getting a new phone, with a new number, and you'd update me as soon as. But you didn't. And now I've no way of contacting you.

I hope you're doing ok, and I hope you're off the drugs and have got your life sorted out abit. Nothing's ever gonna be perfect, but as long as you're safe, and happy, it'll be fine.

Please get in touch soon.

~ Sam ~

5) Your Dreams

Dear dreams,

You confuse me. I'm glad you've calmed down over the last 6 months. There was a period of time where you wouldn't stop scaring me. You showed me such horrible, upsetting, visions, that would stay with me for days. Those are the dreams I'd rather not have. They shake me up so badly and there's never anything I can do about it.

The positive dreams are the ones for me. They range from relaxing to adventurous, and cover so many different genres. =)

Who would've guessed you could've predicted so many things now though, right? You show me my hopes and fears, and a whole lot of randomness, but you also show me things in my future. I once considered future dreams to be something only found in stories or cartoons, but I've seen them. I've even gotten into the habit of writing them down, so that if they happen, no one can question my prior-knowledge to them.

I haven't quite figured where all this comes from though. Maybe I never will.

30 Day Letters Challenge: Day 6

6) A Stranger

To the friend I haven't met yet,

Let's get to know eachother and see if we can be friends. =)

7) Your Ex-Boyfriend

Dear ex-waste-of-time-space-energy-etc,

I can't even be bothered to write this. I've already mentioned you Day 5 of the 10 Day Writing Challenge, and I really can't be bothered to go through it all again.

Bottom line is: You're a c*nt. Always have been. Always will be. I've tried time and time again to be friends with you, but you manage to f*ck it up every single time.

Sincerely,

Me.

8) Your Favourite Internet Friend

Hmm, I really can't do this one. I don't have any internet friends that I don't consider more than "internet" friends. I mean, I do have friends online that I've not met face-to-face yet, but they're still more to me than just "internet friends".

So... sorry, but I can't do this one. =/

9) Someone You Wish You Could Meet

To my lovely John and Nat,

I've known you both online for so many years now. =) I kinda wish we didn't live in completely opposite ends of the world though. And I miss our RPing sessions, and our general conversations (you guys don't seem to be online much these days ^^;).

I hope you're both doing well, and that you'll find time to chat some more soon. And I really hope that we'll be able to meet-up some day. =3

Love and hugs,

Sam.

[This one was kinda hard because, as mentioned in my previous letter entry, there are lots of friends I have online who've I yet to meet, and so many of them are just as close to me as any friend who might be living on the same street or something]

10) Someone You Don't Talk To As Much As You'd Like To

Dear Kez,

I miss you and your crazy self. We've known eachother for like, ever, but with me moving about so much, I guess we've mostly lost touch. It's nice to be able to make contact with you sometimes though. =)

Hopefully I'll see you again soon.

Love from your fellow Pea-Monster,

Sam.

11) A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

Dearest Grandad,

I never got to say "goodbye". And that regret has never left me. You were meant to be coming home that day. But you didn't. I never saw you again...

Less than a handful of friends even know how I feel about this. And none of the family (as far as I'm aware). I'm sure they all thought I just couldn't be bothered or something when I didn't come to say goodbye after. But I just couldn't.

I knew it was real - of course it was. But I didn't want to believe it. And I knew that seeing you... like that... would take away any denial I had left inside me. And I couldn't bare it. I wasn't ready...

Why did everything happen so fast... why did it have to happen at all... I've never forgotten about you.

And I miss you.

Love forever and always,

Sam.

12) The Person You Hate Most/Caused You A Lot Of Pain

Rob,

I can't even begin to express how much I hate you for what you've done. I don't know most of what you've said to our friends, but trying to turn them against me was just not on. Luckily, some of them know me better than that, and they've stuck around and treat me the same as they always do. A small few however, either don't talk to me at all (if they can help it), or just don't treat me the same as they used to. And I hate you for that. You've always known how much my friends mean to me.

Even after all of this, I've tried time and time again to get along with you and be friends, but you constantly f*ck it up. I honestly did try, but I really didn't need you constantly trying to dig at me. And I didn't appreciate the fact that you only seemed interesting in talking to me if I was having a bad day. It wasn't like you were being a friend and trying to be there for me - you just seemed interested in hearing how miserable I was if my depression was playing up or something. And on days when we spoke and I was having a good one; you seemed to go out of your way just to try and make me feel like sh*t.

I didn't then, don't now, and won't ever, want or need that in my life.

Sam.

13) Someone You Wish You Could Forgive

Dear Ruth,

You've no real idea what you've done to me. And yet here I am trying to be friends again. Sometimes I feel like everything's ok now, and I almost consider you a friend like any other. But then I don't. And I don't know if I ever will.

In all honesty, I can't decide whether I want you out of my life, or as involved in it as any friend would normally be. When we talk, I'm surprisingly ok. I enjoy our chats, and I genuinely mean everything I say. I don't pretend to be concerned about you, or happy for you; I actually am. So why then do I still have this confusion? Why can I still not trust you?

It's really strange... I wasn't, and still aren't sure if you're the right person to use for this letter. Like, a big part of me wishes I could forgive you, but another part of me, my self-defence, I guess, isn't sure if that's a good idea, even if I could do it.

And I actually hate writing this. I feel like such a b*tch. I really am just trying to go with the flow, and, like I said, I really do enjoy our chats. I used to dread you coming online, but now I don't. Mostly. What I mean is; I like seeing you pop-up online because it means I get to talk to you.

But I also still have a small about of dread (I don't actually think that's the right word, because it's not as bad as that at all - but my brain fails me right now), because there's still a part of me that doesn't want you talking to "my boyfriend".

I'm much happier with things the way they are now than how they were before though. =) And, I think I'm sorta looking forward to seeing you next Expo and/or next Toko (we're not 100% sure if we're going to Expo or not).

I hope one day we can be proper friends.

Hugs from me,

Sam.

14) Someone You've Drifted Away From

Dear Nik,

I hope you're well and enjoying life. We seemed to drift apart a long time ago, for various reasons, and I really miss you. We used to have such awesome times. =')

Hoping we can make contact again soon,

Sam.

15) The Person You Miss The Most

There is no one person.

16) Someone That's Not In Your State/Country

Hey there Kellyanne!!

I'm so glad I met you here in cyberland. =) And it's been awesome penfriending with you. =D

Although I don't really know what to say here. XD

Cowabunga,

Sam!!

17) Someone From Your Childhood

Hmm. I'm gonna have to skip this one until I can thinking about it properly.

18) The Person That You Wish You Could Be

Mary!

Won't lie. I wish I could be as awesome as you. I don't really wanna be anybody other than myself. But you're just so made of awesome that I can't help but wish I could be more like you. =)

19) Someone That Pesters Your Mind – Good Or Bad

Really don't know about this one.

20) The One That Broke Your Heart The Hardest

Dearest Tom,

You probably already know this. And you know why. I have to say that that weekend, and the weeks that followed, were probably the worst, and most painful, in my entire life. But things have changed alot since then, and you've been putting the pieces back together again. <3

21) Someone You Judged By Their First Impression

No one. I think it's unfair to do so. Yes, people make an impression on you when you first see/meet them, but I don't judge anyone by it.

22) Someone You Want To Give A Second Chance To

No one that I haven't/aren't giving it to already. =)

23) The Last Person You Kissed

Tom!

Damn you for guessing this one!! XP

24) The Person That Gave You Your Favorite Memory

There are far too many of these. I have some amazing memories with alot of amazing people. <3