The Angst

Right *cracks knuckles* long angsty rant of sorts.

Slightly diffused. Caused by I guess a break up.
Me and a girl ive known online for 2 years were getting closer for the last 6 months. We got along well, had slightly similar depressing sh*t, and I kinda fell in love with. Her with me too.
But she did go weird occasionally, beliving it would f*ck up. I wasted a lot of energy making us both positive, supporting her when I could. Through my phone and laptop.
Hell, in december when I went to a london gaming con with friends who she is friends with I bought a hello kitty beanie hat (shes obsessive about hello kitty) and got my friends, who are her friends, to give it to her for me for her xmas.

Finally got to see her near end of january. First day a half, everything was great. Huggin n kissing. Everything I actually wanted. I didnt want stuff like sex. I just....wanted hugs. To feel wanted. To feel loved.

She got freaked, almost got accused of rape in some way...despite me being only huggy kissy in bed, did not touch areas i shouldnt, and even pulled away if I felt...things as it were. She said she told me to stop being affectionate...but she never said. Im damn well sure she didn't. And I know I did nothing dodgy. That got sorted out thankfully.

My mates who are her mates were looking after me most of the time, as she had to work. She got so weird around me. We werent as chatty, not huggy. She was on her phone alot...we had awkward silences. I confronted her on the fnal night before I had to leave for home the next day. In the end she basically said that she was using me, shes sorry she lead me on. Maybe something could happen in the future but she has to focus on leaving her parents home, pushing people away so she can concentrate on her. I understood it, respected it....but I felt hurt. She went downstairs to talk to her mum briefly.
She does not like talking to her mum. She was there for over 45 mins. And I already text my mates that i was gonna stay with them. I did not want another night of silence. Another night of not even hugging, or looking each other in the eye.
I wanted to wait to say bye....but I couldnt. I just left with my stuff. Went out the door. Texting an apology to her basically saying I respect her decisions but for the sake of my emotions...I had to leave. She said its fine, tell sorry to our shared friend for her and...that she did not like feeling like a prisioner in her own home?
What the f*ck?

I did get her to see me off when I had to go home. We do still want each other in our lives...as friends. Despite it being hard.

Our shared friend has been telling me stuff she has been saying.
If I stayed, we might have talked things out as we usually talk things out...thats what she said.
The stuff she said to me on that night was more than a slight push away. It was downright emotional destruction.
She was meant to come to my bday last week but on that final night she said for the sake of money she had to cancel for the sake of money. Same with me having to cancel the week after to see her again for her bday because she will be working loads.
She had a mini holiday around my bday. f*cking. Lying. b*tch.

Apparently she was leading a guy who was seeing her before me and her, again, but is apprently in love with some other guy while leading the other guy.

She does this to loads of guys. for her own ego. Her mate said to me something that she said to her saying "she wants a bloke that she wants to talk to when she wants to".

This is not the girl I fell in love with...she sounds a lot nicer online than offline.

Yes shes had trouble in her past...but in all honesty. Ive faced worse. I acted similar to her when I was younger. But I grew up. She is 19 going on 20. Hates being talked down to like a kid, as she wants to be an adult. Yet she likes being the youngest of the group to get away with sh*t.

Her friends dun exactly like her, but dun throw her out. Her mate that is my mate basically said I am the best person for her. She even told the girl this.

We barely speak now...but havent blocked or de added each other either.

I miss her. Yet...I question why I do. The way she acts reminds me of my mother...and I do not talk to her...have not done so in 10 years.

Now I just feel hurt. Used. and tired of it.
I never wanted to fall in love for a long time. Its not that I hate being single...but Im a picky guy. I dun really feel attractive as much, and girls who like the idea of me, I would only see them as friends.

The girls I like are either taken, or f*cked up b*tches that hurt me. Or I f*ck up relationships by not being there for them.

For this girl I gave up whatever time I could. To be there for her online. to comfort her. she made me feel wanted.....and then she got bored, and tossed me around like a doll.

I slightly laugh that a girl I liked on my bday was actually engaged...now we're like good friends....ah friendzone...i thought i dealt with you long ago.

Sorry for this really, really long angsty rant. Just needed to type it all out. Just so tired of being hurt by people atm.

Friend zoned AGAIN! And the worst part is it was by someone that doesn't believe in the friend zone >_<

So certain people have been attacking me behind my back lastnight. Not *one* of them had the guts or decency to come to *me* about whatever their problem was.

As it happens, I've been attacked by people in this particular group alot.

I now feel like A) I'm not allowed to any opinions, and B) I'm certainly not allowed to voice them. Even on my own personal journal.

I've now had hate comments and threats directed at me. I feel like I'm back at school being bullied all over again. I don't need this. And no, I won't tolerate it. But whenever I try and stand up for myself, I get more sh*t for it.

Kaze wants me to try a different approach. So I will. Once I find out exactly what was said (as most of the said posts have been deleted), I'll be writing and posting an "official statement", as it were, as I feel I have every right to defend myself.

I'm open and honest. If you can't handle that, then it's your problem. Stop trying to make it mine.

I was in the middle of watching something, and my sister comes in from school (her first day back) and insists on taking over the TV with less than 10 minutes left of what I was watching. Even mum took her side. No matter what channel she put it on, there would've been 10 minutes left. Now I'm stuck watching Spongebob while my sister is outside because if I turned it over I'd have another argument on my hands. I can't f**king win >_<

Finally done something about my dilemma over the last week, now I'm not so sure I should've done it >_<

Job Centre still not paid me and I need to buy clothes for work!! >_<

Funnily enough, they haven't paid me, either. Not f**king happy because so many things hinge on the money I was supposed to get today. I'm getting so p**sed off with all this crap

Chojin wrote:Funnily enough, they haven't paid me, either. Not f**king happy because so many things hinge on the money I was supposed to get today. I'm getting so p**sed off with all this crap

Mine is apparently definitely going in today. I've been checking my bank online every couple of hours and so far I have nothing!!

And the amount they told me seems wrong. They owe me more than that. =/

Need this money for work clothes and such. And wanted to give Kaze some money towards whatever's wrong with the car.

Kukikoi wrote:

Chojin wrote:Funnily enough, they haven't paid me, either. Not f**king happy because so many things hinge on the money I was supposed to get today. I'm getting so p**sed off with all this crap

Mine is apparently definitely going in today. I've been checking my bank online every couple of hours and so far I have nothing!!

And the amount they told me seems wrong. They owe me more than that. =/

Need this money for work clothes and such. And wanted to give Kaze some money towards whatever's wrong with the car.

They've told me that they can put mine in by the end of the day. But then, I'm dealing with ESA and not JSA. They make just as many mistakes, which we suffer for.

I need the money for bills, food (pet and human), gas, electric, etc.

If they keep doing this sort of thing, I'd be tempted to seek legal aid. How can they messed around those with mental illnesses, of any kinda, in good conscience?

What a bunch of f*ck. Just had a call telling me their having problems with their online banking system and advised the payment wouldn't go in 'til Monday. Now, given that I spoke to them first thing this morning, it's taken them a f*cking long time to notify me of this!

And it's gonna be in there Monday!? How do they know? The problem could continue or they could come up with a whole new problem - like they always do.

I explained that I need to buy uniform clothes for work for next week and they offered to mail me a Giro. Yeah... coz that'll get here in time. ¬_¬

Then they offered an "over the counter" payment, which would also be Giro, but at least I could get it today. Now I've gotta wait for someone to call me back about it (which could take forever).

Kukikoi wrote:What a bunch of f*ck. Just had a call telling me their having problems with their online banking system and advised the payment wouldn't go in 'til Monday. Now, given that I spoke to them first thing this morning, it's taken them a f*cking long time to notify me of this!

And it's gonna be in there Monday!? How do they know? The problem could continue or they could come up with a whole new problem - like they always do.

I explained that I need to buy uniform clothes for work for next week and they offered to mail me a Giro. Yeah... coz that'll get here in time. ¬_¬

Then they offered an "over the counter" payment, which would also be Giro, but at least I could get it today. Now I've gotta wait for someone to call me back about it (which could take forever).

I had the same phone call. They offered a counter giro at 4pm, which I can't get because I'd have to travel 20 miles just to get it in a car that has no petrol and no money to get petrol. Even if it did have petrol, there's no one to drive it because mum has her on appointments.

They offered to pay directly into my bank, which wouldn't be cleared until Wednesday, when I need the mony asap.

My only option is a first class giro, which isn't guaranteed before Monday. My entire weekend is screwed up because of those incompetent, irresponsible d**kheads.

I got a call back and we sorted an over-the-counter payment. And what a mess about that was too. The guy at the desk didn't ring through to let them know I'd arrived, so I was waiting about half an hour for something that should've only taken 5 minutes. f*cking useless. Sack the lot of 'em and let people more capable have their jobs!

Just had my Grandad here giving me a lecture about getting on with something. WTF!? I tidied this house two days ago, but it got messed up by my sister when she had friends round. I tidied the kitchen and washed up, but the cleaning stuff got left on the draining board and the kitchen is now a mess because mum was looking for something important last night. I tidied the worst of the mess in the garden yesterday, which was my sisters doing but I can't blame her for the mess because she wasn't dealing with things... I even repotted the strawberries. But all my grandad sees is me sitting down because he came round at the wrong time. He ALWAYS comes round at the wrong time and because of that I'm a lazy sod that needs to get off my arse, leave the computer alone and do something.

(to grandad) Uh, hello? Do you actually know what I do around here or on the computer? I do sh*t loads of housework but it doesn't last because we ALL have problems in this house and we can't always focus on housework. On the computer I write because I want to make a career out of it, I am involved in the local Neighbourhood Watch, I'm planning a regular event that will bring some much needed variety to this town (a monthly rock night at the pub I play pool for).

Just been and looked in the garden and now I'm really p**sed off. My grandad gets a bit of paint off the garden and then comes in and has a go at me? I picked up a metal computer desk, rubbish, two bikes, bike parts, a large tub, the incinerator, broken crockery and an overturned pot with a strawberry plant growing in it. That may not seem like much, but they were tangled together on the patio. I did more than him in that garden, what gives him the right to bollock me the way he did? He's not my father

Well, this morning is going smoothly... not. My sister is stressing out because it's her birthday at the beginning of May and nothing's been arranged. She doesn't understand that there is still plenty of time to sort it out. I say one thing that I thought was helpful and she stresses at me makes me feel unwanted. To top it off, mum starts having a go at me telling me I obviously don't understand the situation. uh, I do understand the situation, I just can't help how her shouting at me makes me feel.

What the f**k!? Seriously, what the f**k!? How can this household be lazy? The only housework that has been done today has been done by me. I'm getting so p**sed off with this sh*t.

What the f**k!? My ex comes home from her cruise, then we talk as friends. She doesn't talk tome for almost two days and the first thing she says when she starts again is how she's been spending time with the ex she said she never wanted to speak to again.. oh yeah, she REALLy wants to get back together with me[/sarcasm]

It wasn't going to happen, anyway, but now it's definitely off the table.

Urg. Don't f*cking moan at me because you don't like the postage price I've set on eBay. My prices are the cheapest on eBay, and if you didn't like them; you shouldn't have bought the f*cking item!!

Oh, what's that? You appear to have not even read the invoice. It's giving you a choice in postage costs depending on if you want it sent signed/recorded or not. I'm not asking you to pay for normal and signed for.

Go away, learn to read, and pay me what you owe me.

WTF? Had to do housework at half past midnight and the first thing that was said to me was moaning because I didn't finish. I refuse to do housewwork at that time. Just because I am up and awake, doesn't mean I plan to stay that way.

Two things completely unrelated to eachother:

Don't have a go at me for being upset about something you did to me in the first place. >=/

And:

Give it up already. You can't have my boyfriend. He doesn't want you. >=/

Kukikoi wrote:Give it up already. You can't have my boyfriend. He doesn't want you. >=/

"Her" again?

When I say I'm going to do a job, I don't expect to have to do several other jobs just so am able to do that one. hen I do the washing up I sholdn't have to clear the sides of rubbish and put things away, the rubbish should go in the bin straight away and things should be put away when they're finished with. And I certainly don't expect to have to do it twice before I start just because you got hungry and decided to get something to eat.

Oh, I see. Now that you need something; you've remembered who I am. ¬_¬

So fed up with everything right now. My life seems to consist of nothing but arguments and housework. I'm sick of these four walls but I can never seem to get out of here because every time I make plans, they end up being cancelled by the other person. I'm sick of being made out to be lazy and dillusional; the housework wouldn't be so bad if people picked up after themselves, but apparently that's magic and not possible (mum actually said "you seem to believe that the place will magically stay tidy if people picked up after themselves. It doesn't work like that.")

I'm fed up of being single, everyone else seems to be moving ahead with their lives. I've lost count of how many of my friends have got engaged and married with kids. Even worse, my ex best mate stole my gf about 7-9 years ago and they got married last week then posted it all over Facebook. Like I needed reminding of that betrayal >_<

23:42 and my 12 year old sister is sitting on the couch watching Embarassing Bodies. It's not suitable for her, it's not worthy of being on TV especially when it's me that's paying the bill. Mum's dozing on the sofa and if I wake her up, I'll get both of them b*tching at me. My sister should be in bed asleep by now, and I should be able to chill out instead of seething like I am. I want to get rid of this bad mood, but I can't because I'm essentially being forced to watch sh*t >_<