The Angst

Some people need to be shot. That is all.

All I can say is; this asshole's just luck I've not started playing him at his own game. He'd be in some f*cking trouble then!!

I hope he gets what's coming to him. He's hurt you too many times.

I can't believe tonight. It's 1:49 and my sister was still sat at the computer. ffs, she's 12, she should've been in bed ages ago. Mum was saying to her "I want you off there." and she said nothing. All I said to mu was "She's ignoring you again." then my sister shouted and said "I said ok, for f*ck sake." and threw her beaker. Then she threw something else and mum had a massive go at me. F**k sake, I'm not the one that was ignoring her. And I can't chill out until my sister f**ks off to bed; which won't be for another 10 minutes, right now. Still too late... and people wonder why I'm always up so late.

My sister is once again refusing to go to f**king bed. She gets away with so much and I'm sick and tired of it. She swears more than anyone I know, adults included. It happens so often I just want to punch her in her foul mouth. She's got a recent fascination in running around with a t-shirt over her head with just her eyes visible saying sh*t like "I'm Taliban." and when she's not doing that, she's got a f**king dummy in her mouth. Seriously? Where do these idiotic, regressive, childish crazes come from!?

So I can't wait to get into my own place and leave this f**ked up household behind. The jury is still out on whether or not I keep contact when I'm gone.

Really finding today difficult to cope with. First, the electric goes out. I can cope with that, happens more often than I'd like, though it did happen after I spent an hour playing Bully on the Wii and hadn't saved it. Once we get the electric back on, that's when the trouble started. I found out we were cut off, which p*ssed me off because they usually wait another couple of weeks before stopping my internet. Then we get a houseful of kids, so this is where I really start to struggle. The place is like a bombs hit it. But that isn't what's made things worse.

I have my medical assessmen tomorrow and I overheared mum on the phone to my lift tomorrow and they can't take me so now I have that playing in my mind and no headspace to think of something.

Just when things are about to be sorted, a spanner gets thrown in the f**king works.

Why do some people have to be so f*kkin difficult!? D=<

If I'm not well; I'm not well. There's nothing I can do about it. If there was; I would have. Do you really think talking to me like that, trying to make me feel like sh*t, is really gonna help me feel any better? If anything, it'll make me feel worse. And it has. Thanks for that. No, really. Obviously I haven't been feeling sh*tty enough lately.

And don't try pulling guilt trips on me. Acting like you're doing me a favour. You gave me hours this week to help me out because I won't have a job soon? No, you gave me hours because of my contract, and because you need staff. It's nothing to do with helping me out at all.

Do you really think I enjoy taking days off!? Especially when I clearly need the money as I'll be out of a job by the end of the week *and* I need to find a new place to live! And it's hardly a day anyone would pull a sicky on, is it? It's p*ssing down with rain!! Not exactly a "skip work and head for the beach" kind of day. =/

I know you don't know about everything I'm having to deal with at the moment and how ill it's making me ill, but at the very least, you know something's not right given I've passed out more than once (though granted he only saw the once) and it may be something serious. And even if you didn't know that much; talking down to me like that is just not on.

I'm not going about things the right way for a reference? Excuse me!? I've worked my f*cking ass off for you, even after you told me my contract wasn't going permanent after all (despite leading me to think otherwise from the start). And I actually work faster and harder than one of your key holders, thank you very much. I've come in sick so many times now because I only take time off when I physically can't work. I've had a bad head during both of my days off (hell, I spent almost the entirety of Monday in bed), and if it had been just that, then I'd be in (like I have been before). But it's not just that, as I explained.

What's what? I should make the effort to come in today because it's only 9 o'clock and I might feel better come noon? Normally, I'd agree. And normally, I'd come in and see how I went. You know that already. But when I'm in and out of the bathroom like this? Sure, if you don't mind me being in and out of the toilet every few minutes there until I actually feel better. And given how far away the toilet is to the shop, I'll probably just end up staying in the stock room instead. Oh wait, given that I'm literally in and out of the bathroom whenever my stomach commands it, I probably wouldn't make the walk from here to work anyway.

Everyone else at work has been massively understanding, and that's helped me feel somewhat like a "normal" human being, that my efforts are appreciated, and it helps distract me from my problems and just enjoy my day. They've been brilliant, and I think that's why I've been enjoying my time there so much. The people you work with can make sooo much of a difference. =)

Anyway. Sorry. Rant over. Needed that outta my system (and it took me forever to write because I was in and out of the bathroom). Stupidly upset and angry now, and that's obviously not helping. Going back to bed. Or to kneel infront of the toilet. Either way: f*ck this sh*t.

So apparently wasting two and a half years of my life, screwing with my head and my heart, f*cking up my mental and physical health, breaking the relationship finally beyond repair, forcing me not only to move out but away, stealing my anime group page and all it's photos which belong to me, ruining Tokonatsu for me so I couldn't go and see friends I only get to see once a year (twice at most), trying to turn our friends against me despite it being him that's doing wrong here; isn't enough for him. He's just gotta carry on pushing. Why can't he just leave me alone!?

Can I arrange an accident for him?

So f**king bored. I thought my money situation was finally on it'd way to beimg sorted, my medical assessment was booked and a lift sorted out. Two hours before my appointment, I get a phoncall from them telling me the guy I was seeing has phoned in sick. My assessment was rearranged but even though it was not my fault I didn't attened this time, they're still refusing to give me any money until after my medical. None of the sh*t would've happened if they gave me another medical when I originally asked.

Because I havdn't had anything go into my account for about 4 months, I'm cut off and have built up more than £50 in bank charges. Because we are cut off, we're having to compete for the TV.

Today, I'm the only one that has done housework (but then mum took my sister to the hospital to have her tooth out) and all I've had from mum is attitude. I can't do right from wrong, today, and I'm sick of it. I can't wait until they're in bed so I can have run of the TV (not joking, I have to wait until no one else is here or they're asleep >_<

So p*ssed off with my sister. Me and mum sat down to watch Die Hard 4.0 and my sister came home from her club. She wasn't happy because mum wouldn't take her down to my aunties to go on the internet because we're currently cut off. Because she isn't getting what she wants, she decided that we weren't going to get to do what we want and suddenly starts saying sh*t like "that's not possible.", "no one can do that", "that's so unrealistic" and asking questions about everything she can think of. We've turned the film off because there's no point watching it if we're constantly having to tell her to shut up.

Mum can go f*ck herself. I've had enough of the bipolar b**ch and her control issues. This morning she was stressed out because she decided to look for a certain top of my sisters which we already suspect was stolen by my cousin the day he went back to Manchester. I tried to help by saying I'd replace it when my money comes in but all she did was shout at me and we've argued most of the day. We're very low on money, and won't have any more until monday. Between now and then we have to get electric, which will go out by the end of today and food for the cupboards, etc. She has droned on and on about me going to my dad to borrow some. I already owe him £70 and our relationship isn't exactly perfect. Coupled with my anxiety, it's not an easy thing to do but she keeps pushing and pushing. She's walked out of here giving me abuse, telling me I'm scrounging off her and refusing to help money wise. Wtf? I'm here only son and she's p*ssed off that she's feeding me and keeping me off the streets?

Love it when some random guy comes along and suddenly one of your best mates hasn't got time for you unless they've nothing better to do, or they need/want something. =/

My sister has been a f**king b**ch this morning. First refusing to get up to the point of screaming and throwing stuff. She even bit mum on the arm. There was no point in me staying in bed, so I got up. My sister still didn't get out of bed until half hour later. By the time I got up, she was supposed to be in school. Since coming down she conned mum into letting her on the computer, listened in on mum's private phonecall, thrown a shoe at me and knocked my cuppa flying (I've had to unplug my laptop because it went over some wires), used me as a "role model" for her not going into school. Er... last time I checked, I actually went to school. Me and mum have been arguing and now she's said "until I get her into school, I don't want to see your face." all because she didn't like what I was saying to my sister. All I said to her was "you see this? (holding up an application form) This is one of the things I have to do today, but I can't focus on it until you are in school." because she said that I'm not doing anything where jobs are concerned. Then she told me to shut up and said she has more problems than me, to which I said "er... no, you have different problems, not more." and closed the kitchen door with me on the other side to her, that's when mum got p**sed at me.

Mum's bday is tomorrow and this place is a tip. She's been moaning all day, saying that there's no point inviting people over to a sh*thole and that there is no point her even having one. All I can think of saying is "1. I don't know who you want here, you moan about most of them. 2. I've tidied this house 2-3 times this week, it's not my fault that no one can be bothered to keep the f*cking place tidy." but I don't want the arguments, because things are already stressful as it is. And she's now brought up the fact that mother's day didn't get acknowledged this year... and the mother's day she asked me to get up early with Sophie and I refused (I refused because this was when we went through a stage of arguing constantly, so I wasn't wanting to get up with someone that acts as though they hate me)

This is getting f**king ridiculous. I "babysit" for friend of a friend, whose 6 yr old is autistic. He's not a problem, and neither is the dog, really. They have a husky/wolf cross, beautiful creature and not at all how I imagined wolf-dogs to be. The fact that I don't usually get paid on the night isn't even the problem, because I know she's good for it. I wouldn't even say she was the problem because she's a nice woman. No, the problem is that she seems to be taking the p**s. I start at around 3:30 so I'm there for when her son gets home from school. The problem is, I haven't been finishing until between 10-12 at night. It's worse on Wednesdays and Fridays becaus I finish work at 1. I don't usully get home until 1:30-45 so I'm usually in from work for about or so before I have to think about getting myself ready to go an babysit. It's doing my head in, especially when it's sometimes twice a week. Who needs to go out so much? >_<